Coffee creamer

The red flag was there the day I bought almond milk coffee creamer to keep at my boyfriend's house.

My top choice for creamer has always been Coffee Mate French Vanilla (artificial yet so delicious). But, when I started dating my first boyfriend post-divorce, I fooled myself into thinking I liked almond milk creamer because somehow, deep down, I thought that would make me more appealing to him because of his organic food preferences.

It took me a while to ask myself why I did that. Why couldn't I be honest with him about coffee creamer when I had been completely vulnerable with him about my failed marriage, my perceived inadequacies, my fears, and so on?

It was because deep down, I wanted him to want me so much that I was willing to edit myself to fit into what I thought would be more attractive to him. While lying about my coffee creamer preference seems innocent enough, the ease with which I convinced him–and worse myself–was inherently problematic.

When I jumped into the dating pool for the first time post-divorce, I thought that I was ready. I waited a year and a half before I gave dating any consideration. I consistently went to therapy. I journaled and listened to self-help podcasts. I learned about codependency. I read about boundaries, attachment styles, and love languages. I reflected on my marriage and how I could have been a better partner.

All this work I thought I had done still couldn't prevent me from falling into the old beliefs I carried in my marriage and this new relationship. These beliefs were that I wasn't interesting or good enough and, therefore, I would be abandoned by my partner (again).

The truth though is that I abandoned myself. I did it in my marriage for so long that I lost total understanding of who I was and what I wanted in life. Somehow along the way, I had adopted the twisted belief that sacrificing your needs and desires to have a harmonious relationship was what you did for love. And, I was slipping into the same pattern in this new relationship.

I find myself wishing this relationship had a different ending but the truth is, it's complicated. There is tension between what I had hoped for and the realization that I was hoping for the wrong thing. The annotated version is that we fell in love too fast with the idea of who we thought the other one was and what the relationship could be. We both had issues that resurfaced once things started to get real and ordinary.

Although the relationship inevitably crashed, I believe its trajectory helped us peel back layers of truth in each other that we hadn't yet seen or admitted to ourselves. For me, those issues were rooted in my willingness to sacrifice too much of myself for another person, especially someone incapable of and unwilling to meet me halfway.

Looking back, I don't regret the love I gave or the choices I made despite knowing that this current version of me would have chosen differently. I was true to myself based on what I knew at that time. That is all we can really expect or ask of ourselves anyway.

While I still miss him and grieve the loss of our connection, the hard truth is that the outcome was exactly what I needed it to be. I had to lose him to recognize the impact of those old beliefs I was still carrying within myself. So while I may have lost him, I avoided losing myself again.

Coffee creamer is an odd personification of an Achilles heel. But, it's become a symbol and a reminder that I must always honor myself (and my coffee creamer preference) first. ♥