Offering support during holidays

The holiday season is complicated for lots of people for a variety of reasons—not just the end of a long-term partnership. Because the world is often tone-deaf to the needs of others who may not being feeling festive and happy, I thought it might be helpful to share a few tips for supporting a friend who is navigating divorce during the holidays.

1. Don’t ask them what their plans are.

This is a question most of us dread because it’s hard to answer when your life looks drastically different than it did before. Providing the happy-go-lucky response that the world expects can feel like a betrayal of the emotions that people experiencing divorce are carrying with them during the “most wonderful time of the year.” Instead, try this: “If you’re comfortable sharing, what are you looking forward to over the next couple of weeks.”

2. Don’t offer the pity invite.

Your intentions are good, but if you are inviting a newly separated or divorced friend to an event you’ve had for years that they’ve never been invited to before, it feels like a pity invite. Your friend will have to introduce themselves countless number of times to people who will ask “harmless” questions that reinforce the disoriented feelings that are common while navigating new terrain like divorce or coparenting. The caveat to this is that your friend may want to be included in your social activities. You can gauge their interest by saying, “My family is hosting a Christmas Eve event and I love introducing my relatives to good friends. Would you be interested in coming along?”

3. Don’t assume that being alone is bad.

The world teaches us to feel sad for a friend who may be alone during the holiday. The knee-jerk response to this false narrative may lead you to want to “fix” it so that your friend doesn’t feel along. Before doing that, consider for a moment that your friend may want to be alone. Aloneness can provide peace or respite that is often fleeting during a major life transition like divorce. Check your bias for togetherness before sending a search party for your lonely friends.

If you are reading this, it is because you are caring and you recognize that the holiday season may look different for your friend. Keep acknowledging that you may need and are willing to show up differently than you have in the past for that person and I promise that it will be well-received.