Importance of self-care during divorce/separation

What are some concepts that come to mind when imagining self-care? Oftentimes, people jump immediately to the image of candles, essential oils, and hot stone massages. While these are nice experiences that certainly fall under the umbrella of self-care, there are other methods for practicing healthy self-care that are critical during an event as life-altering (and oftentimes disorienting) as divorce/the end of a long-term partnership.

We refer to them as the three pillars of self-care and they are based on empirical research as well as our own lived experiences navigating the journey of divorce.

The three pillars: values, boundaries, and community

Why are these aspects of self-care so important? They help to ground your experience while protecting your emotional, psychological and physical well-being.

Pillar 1: Values

Simply put, values are your innermost desires for how you want to behave and treat yourself and others during your lifetime. They are not goals, but instead should serve as guideposts to inspire, motivate, and enrich our life experiences.

Knowing your values is important, especially during divorce/separation, because they ground your responses and guide your interactions. Those of us who have experienced divorce/separation know that interactions and relationships with others (not just ex-partners) can be incredibly challenging.

Unclear on your values? We’ve created a customized worksheet that serves as a tool for uncovering your values while going through the experience of divorce/separation.

Pillar 2: Boundaries

Boundaries are guides that communicate how we expect to be treated. Setting boundaries is one of the highest forms of self-care that you can practice, especially during separation, because they create a sense of safety which allows us to focus on the things that are most important (e.g., taking care of our mental health, being present for our children, etc.).

Setting boundaries with yourself is also an incredibly important habit to adapt. This might look like taking a social media hiatus, utilizing the do not disturb feature on your phone, or scheduling time to process significant events/feelings.

Below are links to some of our favorite books about boundaries:

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
• The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits that Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Pillar 3: Community

We define community as connecting through common experiences in a way that restores and strengthens you. Community is critical because it reinforces and activates your values and boundaries.

Finding new and alternate communities may be necessary if previous social circles were tied to your former partnership. Meeting others who have been through similar experiences can also be validating and helpful if you do not currently know anyone who has been through it before.

Not sure where to start? We recommend reaching out to your healthcare providers, looking for local groups on social media, and searching for support groups through local churches even if you are not religious or affiliated with a particular parish.

Candles are cool, too.

We think it’s important to reward ourselves for navigating an experience many of us have never gone through before. Below are links to some of our favorite candles and accessories for setting the mood for self-care practices.

• Glasshouse Candle“The Hamptons”: the ultimate candle splurge…aka it’s what they burn at the Four Seasons Spa
• The prettiest candle warmer: not into burning, use one of these lovely warmers instead
• Pillow & fabric spray: drift into a peaceful night’s sleep with the relaxing and soothing scent of lavender
• Candles not your thing? Here are our picks for incense holders and incense