We don’t talk enough about the generational pressure that keeps people trapped in unhealthy marriages. The generational pressure that keeps people trapped in miserable marriages is (sadly) alive and well. It often comes in the form of pressure from older relatives and parents who have suffered through their own unhappy and often abusive relationships and now want you to do the same.

They figure if they could stay and have a decent enough life, you can do the same. But is a “good enough” life really what we’re here for?

Religious and cultural traditions often exacerbate the generational pressure. As if there isn’t already plenty of self-imposed pressure to “make it work” in the face of circumstances like substance abuse, assault, and emotional pain, they tell you to “stick it out, “remember your vows”, “stay for the kids,” or “it’ll get better.”

And adding culture and religion nuances to these “reasons” to stay in an unhealthy marriage is ultimately manipulative. This is where guilt for even thinking about divorce starts to creep in.

What is intended as encouragement is more than likely a projection of their own relationship traumas.

Many of the people offering this advice have found ways to cope and numb themselves from the pain they’ve endured and they are wired to help you do the same. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok. In fact, it’s dangerous and irresponsible.

They are likely victims of the same stigma and social conditioning that insists on framing divorce as the worst possible outcome in a relationship or something people never recover from, but giving advice like this just contributes to the stigma.

When we embrace our thriving after divorce, we disrupt this thinking for past and future generations. Thank goodness there are so many of us that know the truth about divorce. Our ability to overcome this adversity and live without the shackles of failure and shame after divorce teaches others that they don’t have to settle for a decent enough life in a bad marriage.

We are all deserving of the best possible life—whether that includes a long-term partnership or not.

This is a plea to friends and family members to think differently about how to respond when someone they care about has expressed concerns about their marriage and their ability to continue in it. Listening is so much better than following the urge to frame it as something the person can live with.

💔 If you are someone contemplating divorce, who recently received advice like this from a loved one, they may be too steeped in the advanced stages of their own pain to help you escape from yours. Keep choosing you—even if it feels uncomfortable. It is the only way forward.