The period of late adolescence and young adulthood is characterized by embracing an independent self-identity, establishing health habits and developing greater resilience. This means having greater confidence in one’s abilities and a greater ability to adapt to changes in themselves and their lives.

When someone in this developmental period is also adjusting to a significant shift in a family structure such as divorce, it is tempting and even comforting for them and for parents to want to revert back to a time and an identity when the family was in its original state. Except that version of the family no longer exists, and the person who grew up in that version of the family is changing personally, emotionally, and intellectually simply as a result of aging.

Parents watching this major growth in their child while also navigating the end of a long-term partnership may feel especially uncomfortable with the idea that so much of what they’ve known for many years is changing or completely gone. But guess what? We can’t stop these changes and it’s not the teenager’s or young adult’s responsibility to help us adjust to or feel better about the changes.

It’s our job as parents to encourage emerging adult children to advocate for what they need to navigate this developmental period and the life transition of divorce. This could look like setting boundaries, being able to understand and articulate their emotional needs, sharing resources or tools like the tips below, and giving them the space to seek community and support from others.

We are all on this divorce journey together and having a teenager or young adult in this developmental phase is an incredible opportunity for all of us to embrace a new chapter and new versions of ourselves. Give them the space to let them do just that and then begin to envision the future that awaits you too.

Tips for teens and young adults with divorced parents (and stepparents)

Choose yourself first. This is a reminder that you are not responsible for your parents’ feelings or how they manage their response to your decisions as an adult.

Limit time spent in high-conflict situations or with high-conflict people—even if they’re unaware of the impact of their actions. Determine what conditions or modifications you need to navigate conflict and ultimately protect your peace. This means that if you’d rather spend the holiday with a friend because you know that your parents are high-conflict and will make the holidays awkward, it’s ok to spend it somewhere else if it means that you can protect your sanity and enjoy the break from school or work.

Convey your need for peace to your parent(s) and other family members. If you’d like to spend a holiday with both parents at the same time, ask for just that and ask them to be honest with you about what they are capable of doing and managing emotionally. On the other hand, if you know that it is easier to regulate your emotions at one parent’s or family member’s home, use an “I” statement like, “I get better rest at dad’s house, so I plan to mostly be there during the break.” Let them know that you are willing to be flexible and choose a compromise that doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve let yourself down or haven’t prioritized your needs. 

Know your limits and plan to take breaks when you need them. Think about how being home for holidays or special occasions in the past has made you feel. If past experiences have been overwhelming, made you anxious, or led to sadness, anticipate that it could happen again and plan for healthy ways you can cope. If this is the first time you are spending a holiday with your divorced or blended family and you aren’t quite sure how you will feel, you should also plan to take breaks to process and reflect on how you are feeling in the moment. Maybe that means scheduling time to hang out with friends from high school or prior workplaces, getting a temporary membership at an inexpensive gym or walking a new trail for some alone time.

Remember that you don’t have to prove your love to either parent. This is not a competition for who you choose to spend more time with or to feel guilty if you spend more time with one parent more time with you than the other. Choose yourself and choose the people–parents or not–who make you feel seen and loved when you’re with them. It’s also to focus on prioritizing the quality of your experience(s) with family members over the quantity. Intention, mindfulness, and connection are the key components of quality experiences.

Stay in your skin, which is a call for you to get more comfortable being the person you are and want to be more than the person your family members need or want you to be. It is important to understand who you are becoming both within and outside of your family, its norms, and your experiences in the family unit. Healthy parents and family members are eager to know who you are becoming and they are likely learning to listen and make room more for understanding you too. That said, remember that you are never more at home than when you are in your own skin.