10 reminders
By Hillary Livingston
When you are going through divorce, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE), is eager to step-up to the plate to offer their opinions, feelings, and advice—sometimes guided by the rigid thinking of societal and religious traditions. Your brain is spinning, your emotions are all over the place and if you now find yourself in the co-parenting game, well, Godspeed.
For obvious reasons, it’s very easy for our own voice, opinions, and intuition to get mixed up with all the other noise. However, making decisions that give *you* peace is probably one of the most important things you can do for yourself (and your children, if you are a parent or caregiver) during this tumultuous time.
Figuring out how to tap into that can be overwhelming. Everyone’s experiences are going to be different, but below is a list of 10 reminders that I found incredibly helpful when I started to spiral down one of the many rabbit holes of divorce.
Never judge someone else’s choices. I didn’t realize how judgmental I was about choices other people made, certain that I knew a better way. However, divorce is a humbling experience and it teaches you that you really have no idea how you will respond when presented with a similar challenge. Cheating spouse? I used to think that was a no-brainer dealbreaker. But, suddenly when it’s your spouse….well, that’s a different story. So, be as kind to others as you’d like for others to be to you. You’ve never been here before. This is hard.
Reframe your thinking and ask yourself how an action or an emotion will serve you. Lashing out or sending a vindictive text message might feel like the right choice in the moment, but stop and ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish by doing that. It probably sounds like a maddeningly “easier said than done” approach, but newsflash: we are responsible for our actions and choices. It’s a good idea to stop and think about it before you start executing a plan.
Allow yourself a processing period before responding to high conflict messages or scenarios. This is very much related to the previous point, but this reminder is all about acknowledging that it will be helpful to process what you’re feeling and give yourself time to mull it over. I’m willing to wager that the response you’d give in the moment will differ from the one you’d give in 72 hours. Trust me.
Tip: It’s totally okay to not provide an immediate response to someone. You have the right to say “I’ve heard you and I am going to take some time to process this and will respond to you in a few days.” It’s also okay to not respond at all.
Understand there is a fine balance between vilifying a person and not letting your guard down because you know what your direct experience with your ex has taught you. It took me a while to accept that it wouldn’t serve me in the long-run to keep seeing my ex-husband as the enemy since we have to co-parent together. I recognize that not all people will agree with this, or will have an experience like this, but in my case, always expecting the worst of him was emotionally draining for me. Do I trust him now? No, not really. But, I’ve gotta co-parent with him for 18+ years (my kids are young!) and so letting go of that need to always look for an ulterior motive in the choices that he makes is too much. All I can do is make choices that I am at peace with and know to be right, releasing the need to engage in a game of moves and countermoves with him for the foreseeable future.
Again, I fully recognize that not everyone has that privilege if their ex is abusive or controlling, but I am simply sharing what worked for me in the event that it could help reframe someone else’s thinking who may find themselves in a similar situation.
Validating someone’s feelings is one of the most supportive things you can do. One thing that really frustrated me was when people would attempt to provide advice and a laundry lists of “you should’s”, especially when I did not ask for that. Most of them also did not have any lived experiences that would warrant soliciting any recommendations. I just wanted someone to listen, sympathize and that’s it.
Tip: It’s ok to set expectations in a conversation by politely saying, “I’d like to share how I am feeling, but I am not looking for advice or opinions, just emotional support.”
A good practice when you find yourself in the other role is to ask, “Would you like me to just listen or would you like to hear my perspective?”
Find a way to self-reflect. Journaling is my favorite way to do this, but everyone is different. Maybe painting is your thing, or photography, or writing music, or making pottery, or meditating. Whatever speaks to you, just find a way to track how you’re feeling, what triggers different emotions in you, and how you’re thinking about things. The knowledge may not be immediately revealing, but over time you’ll start connecting dots that will aid you while healing.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions. During a particularly revealing session, my therapist recommended that I push my feelings down from my head into my body. At first I was puzzled by the suggestion of literally pushing my feelings down, but it really did provide me with a cathartic experience like I’d never had before. I was physically aware of my emotions in a way that I hadn’t always been and it was liberating.
Discover your values and allow them to guide your goals, intentions and actions. The goal is to get to a place where you find peace with the decisions you make because everything you do is aligned with your core values.
If you’re not taking care of yourself properly, you cannot properly take care of others. You know the analogy of the importance of putting on your oxygen mask first before you start helping others during a plane crash? Show up for yourself first. If you do, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to show up for others.
You can and you will become the person you want to be and if applicable, the person you want your kids to see…believing in ourselves takes time and practice. Healing through the process of separation and divorce is a roller coaster ride. But, if you choose to discover how you want to show up for yourself and others, eventually you’ll transform into the person you’ve always wanted to be or the person you couldn’t be in your marriage.